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All right nerds, let’s get after it! What I really wanted to call this was the Top 5 most ‘Boner Inducing’ Star Wars moments, but it turns out that title offends people. So I used ‘Gratifying’, but that stops right now. Let’s discuss the singular Star Wars moments so amazing as to cause instant SW fan metaphoric boners. There can be many causes for a SW boner – from objectively bad ass moments backed up by epic J Williams scores to personal favorites were that character you love finally has their day. Here are my top moments (hereafter: Bone Momes) in no particular order:
Bone Mome 1: Duel of Fates begins playing as Darth Maul appears before Qui Gon, Obi Wan, Padme and the gang in the Naboo hanger (Phantom Menace)
Analogous to: The hottest girl/guy you can imagine gets naked in front of you and you know you’re about to bang. It’s simply one of the most epic boners as absolutely everything happening to you in this moment is awesome.
Boner Breakdown: This is one of the most objectively boner inducing SW moments. Epic villain, epic J Will score, heroes step forward with confidence and we strap in for what will be one of the greatest fight scenes in all of SW
Bone Mome 2: As Yoda squares up to fight Count Dooku he force pulls his light saber from his belt (Attack of the Clones)
Analogous to: Losing your virginity boner.
Boner Breakdown: This is especially boner inducing because we had to wait for so long to see Yoda throw down, and we were not even sure it would ever happen. Then as it’s finally about to happen… the moment we’ve been waiting for… and Oh My God he uses the force to pull out his saber! It’s a sweeter feeling than we could have ever imagined. We frankly didn’t know how to imagine it. A blissful boner.
Bone Mome 3: Luke and Vader activate light sabers before fighting on Cloud City. (Empire Strikes Back)
Analogous to: I love you boner. You’ve found that special someone, and you just told them “I Love You” for the first time. The sex that follows is beautiful and perfect. Bonus boner points if your partner responds with “I know”
Boner Breakdown: This is the most artistic and pure boner of SW. Everything about the plot that has lead us to this point, and everything about the way that moment is shot is flawless. It’s poetic, beautiful, and pure. This boner took a long time to build up, and we never rushed it. It arrived at the right time, in the right place, with the right person. A once in a lifetime boner.
Bone Mome 4: It’s the end of Rogue 1 and rebels are rushing to deliver the Death Star plans to Leia aboard the Tantive IV when the door jams and the hallway goes dark… a haunting breath is heard and a red light saber activates illuminating the hallway, and our hearts.
Analogous to: I can’t stop coming aka multiple orgasm boner.
Boner Breakdown: Where to begin? I need a cigarette just thinking about this boner moment. Firstly, it hits many of the same boner triggers as Darth Maul duel of fates BM1 and Yoda vs Dooku BM2. Objectively epic villain, epic music, and we didn’t even know we’d get this moment. A long awaited experience of full power Vader. In experience cruelly absent from the prequels.
Secondly, seeing those classic rebel uniforms and helmets while the warning siren continues to sound is just a beautiful experience tying Rogue One to A New Hope. It gives this boner a touch of poetry like in Cloud City BM3.
Thirdly, it just keeps going! Not a single boner note, rather a boner symphony. Vader just goes ham and gives the fans everything we ever wanted to see from him. He moves slowly, coldly and methodically as he displays the full power of the dark side while massacring rebel scum. The boner rages on and on as you get to cum in your nerd pants for nearly 90 seconds of amazing. Then you’re given the prefect come down as princes Leia is handed the Death Star plans, drops a great line, and the movie ends. It’s the metaphoric post sex cigarette. You’re left emotionally and physically spent while also satisfied and content.
Bone Mome 5: Rebel fleet comes out of hyperspace at Battle of Scarif
Analogous to: Finding your fetish boner.
Boner Breakdown: This is my personal boner. My fetish. I don’t expect others to have received a boner here, but I bet you have another personal scene that gave you the same feeling. For me, this was a boner I didn’t expect, but it was undeniable when it arrived. I’m not lying when I tell you that I cried a little bit in the theater when the fleet came out of hyperspace at Scarif. It was a combination of several factors. A mix of my love for the sound/aesthetic of large cruisers coming out of hyperspace, the music, the anticipation, squad leaders from A New Hope checking in, and my powerful affection for Mon Calamari and Admiral Raddus in particular. In the end, I found my kink. My fetish. It’s Raddus.
Bone Mome Fan Feedback:
After posting this commentary to imgur I got a lot of fun feedback from people mentioning their favorite bone momes not on my list. Far and away the most referenced missing bone is moment when Holdo suicide-lightspeeds into Snoke’s ship and the shot is done in total silence. I agree that was the best single shot of TLJ and a potential bone mome. But personally TLJ gave me erectile disfunction. No boners were possible after about 4.5 minutes into the movie when Poe makes a crank phone call to Hux. I realize I have bone momes from TPM and AOTC which are also both terrible SW movies, but for my personal taste and hopes for SW, TLJ was on a different level of disappointment. That movie hurt my SW soul.