Top 5 Most ‘Gratifying’ Star Wars Moments – Bath Time e5

All right nerds, let’s get after it! What I really wanted to call this was the Top 5 most ‘Boner Inducing’ Star Wars moments, but it turns out that title offends people. So I used ‘Gratifying’, but that stops right now. Let’s discuss the singular Star Wars moments so amazing as to cause instant SW fan metaphoric boners. There can be many causes for a SW boner – from objectively bad ass moments backed up by epic J Williams scores to personal favorites were that character you love finally has their day. Here are my top moments (hereafter: Bone Momes) in no particular order:

Bone Mome 1: Duel of Fates begins playing as Darth Maul appears before Qui Gon, Obi Wan, Padme and the gang in the Naboo hanger (Phantom Menace)

Analogous to: The hottest girl/guy you can imagine gets naked in front of you and you know you’re about to bang. It’s simply one of the most epic boners as absolutely everything happening to you in this moment is awesome.

Boner Breakdown: This is one of the most objectively boner inducing SW moments. Epic villain, epic J Will score, heroes step forward with confidence and we strap in for what will be one of the greatest fight scenes in all of SW

Bone Mome 2: As Yoda squares up to fight Count Dooku he force pulls his light saber from his belt (Attack of the Clones)

Analogous to: Losing your virginity boner.

Boner Breakdown: This is especially boner inducing because we had to wait for so long to see Yoda throw down, and we were not even sure it would ever happen. Then as it’s finally about to happen… the moment we’ve been waiting for… and Oh My God he uses the force to pull out his saber! It’s a sweeter feeling than we could have ever imagined. We frankly didn’t know how to imagine it. A blissful boner.

Bone Mome 3: Luke and Vader activate light sabers before fighting on Cloud City. (Empire Strikes Back)

Analogous to: I love you boner. You’ve found that special someone, and you just told them “I Love You” for the first time. The sex that follows is beautiful and perfect. Bonus boner points if your partner responds with “I know”

Boner Breakdown: This is the most artistic and pure boner of SW. Everything about the plot that has lead us to this point, and everything about the way that moment is shot is flawless. It’s poetic, beautiful, and pure. This boner took a long time to build up, and we never rushed it. It arrived at the right time, in the right place, with the right person. A once in a lifetime boner.

Bone Mome 4: It’s the end of Rogue 1 and rebels are rushing to deliver the Death Star plans to Leia aboard the Tantive IV when the door jams and the hallway goes dark… a haunting breath is heard and a red light saber activates illuminating the hallway, and our hearts.

Analogous to: I can’t stop coming aka multiple orgasm boner.

Boner Breakdown: Where to begin? I need a cigarette just thinking about this boner moment. Firstly, it hits many of the same boner triggers as Darth Maul duel of fates BM1 and Yoda vs Dooku BM2. Objectively epic villain, epic music, and we didn’t even know we’d get this moment. A long awaited experience of full power Vader. In experience cruelly absent from the prequels.

Secondly, seeing those classic rebel uniforms and helmets while the warning siren continues to sound is just a beautiful experience tying Rogue One to A New Hope. It gives this boner a touch of poetry like in Cloud City BM3.

Thirdly, it just keeps going! Not a single boner note, rather a boner symphony. Vader just goes ham and gives the fans everything we ever wanted to see from him. He moves slowly, coldly and methodically as he displays the full power of the dark side while massacring rebel scum. The boner rages on and on as you get to cum in your nerd pants for nearly 90 seconds of amazing. Then you’re given the prefect come down as princes Leia is handed the Death Star plans, drops a great line, and the movie ends. It’s the metaphoric post sex cigarette. You’re left emotionally and physically spent while also satisfied and content.

Bone Mome 5: Rebel fleet comes out of hyperspace at Battle of Scarif

Analogous to: Finding your fetish boner.

Boner Breakdown: This is my personal boner. My fetish. I don’t expect others to have received a boner here, but I bet you have another personal scene that gave you the same feeling. For me, this was a boner I didn’t expect, but it was undeniable when it arrived. I’m not lying when I tell you that I cried a little bit in the theater when the fleet came out of hyperspace at Scarif. It was a combination of several factors. A mix of my love for the sound/aesthetic of large cruisers coming out of hyperspace, the music, the anticipation, squad leaders from A New Hope checking in, and my powerful affection for Mon Calamari and Admiral Raddus in particular. In the end, I found my kink. My fetish. It’s Raddus.

 

Bone Mome Fan Feedback:

After posting this commentary to imgur I got a lot of fun feedback from people mentioning their favorite bone momes not on my list. Far and away the most referenced missing bone is moment when Holdo suicide-lightspeeds into Snoke’s ship and the shot is done in total silence. I agree that was the best single shot of TLJ and a potential bone mome. But personally TLJ gave me erectile disfunction. No boners were possible after about 4.5 minutes into the movie when Poe makes a crank phone call to Hux. I realize I have bone momes from TPM and AOTC which are also both terrible SW movies, but for my personal taste and hopes for SW, TLJ was on a different level of disappointment. That movie hurt my SW soul.

Watch James and Hospital James Hold Hands – Bath Time e4

Watch James and Hospital James Hold Hands – Bath Time e4

Today was a good day.

During a trip to the hospital an image of my own two hands, one with a nice watch, and the other with a hospital bracelet sent me on a reflective journey. I reflect on that reflection in today’s episode of Bath Time.

It was a good day for small and simple reasons. Small and simple reasons that when juxtaposed against struggles just one week prior felt quite profound.

You may relate to the message of this episode if you’ve been through your own struggles. And if things have been good for you and yours recently, and I sincerely hope they have, then I hope this episode helps bring some additional joy and appreciation to what may seem to be the mundane and unremarkable.

And if you don’t care, and this is all uninteresting, then hell… this one is for me. Today was a good day.

 

Bathing in Patriotism – The Declaration of Independence – Bath Time e3

Bathing in Patriotism – The Declaration of Independence – Bath Time e3

To my fellow Americans I quote the leader of the rebel alliance, Princess Leia, when I say “I love you”

To the colonial Brits out there I quote the warrior poet, Tupac Shakur, when I say “You better back the fuck up, before you get smacked the fuck up”

Happy Independence Day everyone! I sat in the tub this morning with the intention of recording a podcast about gun rights. It seemed fitting for a July 4th topic. Instead, I decided to table that episode, and record an impromptu commentary on the Declaration of Independence. One of the greatest documents ever written by the hand of man.

In this episode we get into some fun Snapple cap factoids about the writing, and signing of the Dec of Ind. We’ll lightly discuss the amazing enlightenment principals which serve as the philosophical backbone of the declaration and the formation of these United States. Some commentary on the risks taken by the founding fathers is peppered in as well as their inaction regarding slavery. Finally I’ll actually read the document itself (most of it at least… I skip the big boring part where they just list grievances against the King of England).

Happy grilling my fellow patriots! Crack a cold one for old Ben Franklin who reminds us “there cannot be good living where there is not good drinking”

Anthony Bourdain, Depression, and Suicide in America – Bath Time e2

Anthony Bourdain, Depression, and Suicide in America – Bath Time e2

Tony Bourdain’s passing struck a chord with me that I didn’t expect. I have tremendous admiration for his talent as a story teller, but I didn’t consume his work with the same fervor as I did Robin William’s or Chris Cornell’s. Those are both celebrities of whom I’m a more ardent fan, and they too tragically took their own lives. But for some reason last week’s news of Bourdain’s passing weighed on me more heavily.

It drove me to do some research into depression and suicide in America, and share it in episode 2 of Bath Time. A 180 degree change from my first episode about Star Wars, but it’s what I was interested in reflecting on. Hey, that’s Bath Time. You never know what is going to occupy your thoughts.

In this episode we’ll dig into some shocking stats on suicide in America, the Werther effect and the media’s role in suicide contagion, happiness vs purpose, lifestyle influences on mental health, and a reflections on my own experience with physical and mental health.

On a lighter note I also talk about international bath day (June 14th), histories most famous bath, and introduce my new co-host. Fair warning that this light fair opens the podcast for about 5 minutes, and then I switch gears to the heavier subject matter at hand.

If you are going through a dark patch, then at this end of the episode I’m talking directly to you. I hope my love and words reach you in whatever way possible. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline has trained councilors available to talk 24/7. Here is their phone number, and link to chat online.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline : 1-800-273-8255

Lifeline Chat

Much Love,

Breezy

Why ‘The Last Jedi’ is the worst Star Wars movie – Bath Time e1

Why ‘The Last Jedi’ is the worst Star Wars movie – Bath Time e1

I hate ‘The Last Jedi’. I hate it so so much. Less than 5 minutes into seeing it in theaters at the midnight premier I knew the movie was garbage, and it didn’t do much to change my opinion throughout its bloated 2 hour 32 minute runtime. When the film mercifully concluded and my nerd friends gathered in an awkward circle to debrief one of us put it best saying, “remember when you first learned that Santa Claus wasn’t real?”

Begrudgingly I saw the movie in theaters a second time with my family with the goal of refreshing my memory and writing an essay about my hatred for the film afterwards. But whenever I sat at my computer I became too upset, and didn’t make any progress. But then I started taking baths… long and frequent baths.

The bath proved to be a vessel for infamously random “shower thoughts”, but in the bath you have the time to really flesh them out. So what would normally be a passing brain fart, could grow into a full fledged Alex Jones InfoWars-esk rant. But instead of Sandy Hook Elementary and gay toad conspiracy theories, I continued to think about Star Wars.

And from all this ‘Bath Time’ was born. The internets premier podcast recorded exclusively from my bathtub. In episode one I spend about 45 minutes splashing around and ranting about my hatred for The Last Jedi.

Mathematical Proof that Words are Dumb

GOD DAMN IT! This is exactly why I only write one of these blog posts every other year. I just sat down to start writing, but of course I’m met with agita within 30 key strokes

This was going to be a classic J Breezy story too. The type of tale that my tens of readers have come to expect. It would features tinctures, feminist sustainable living pop ups, and a new jacket! It will also offer a undertones of misogynistic humor because if my intuition is right, 2018 is the time to make fun of women. It just seems like things between the sexes are super chill right now.

But no. Of course I can’t write it up. Instead the English language has given me another literary wet willy. Things went sideways with sentence numero uno. My opening line was to follow Breezy Baby standards by writing about how much I don’t write and rambling about what I’m thinking in the exact moment I’m sitting down to write. If you don’t know what I mean then reflect on exactly what I’m doing with this entire blog post right now.

Anywho, my first sentence was going to recognize the fact that it’s been almost 2 years since my last post and to sound big, I wrote that it was my “biannual” post. But wait, this immediately screamed of a Breezy Blog grammar gum up. Does biannual mean twice a year, or once every two years. Maybe “semiannual” is what I’m looking for. Not even half way through sentence one, and I’m googling grammar questions. You know what I learned? Nothing. Nothing other than that English is indeed dumb. 

Some say biannual is two times a year, others say the opposite that it’s every other year. Upon reading multiple dictionary entries and grammar forums I’m finding the general consensus to be that both biannual and semiannual mean twice a year. How does that make sense?!?

Grammar is for liars and whores, but math – math is of the gods. The universal language of truth. Just ask Jodie Foster. I’m not one to ignore Jodie, so let us turn to math. We want to know somethings frequency in terms of years (x times per year). So our units are [scaler] / [year]. Now the English language tells us that bi = 2 and semi = 0.5 so those are our scalers. Now we have: 

Biannual = Bi/Annual = 2/year = 2 times per year
Semiannual = Semi/Annual = 0.5/year = every other year

So I’ve solved it. The answer is semiannual. Mathematically it means every two years. BUT FUCKING GOOGLE SEMIANNUAL AND SEE WHAT YOU GET! HERE, HERE IS A SCREENSHOT OF WHAT YOU GET!

Screen Shot 2018-02-07 at 9.43.28 PM

Wait, did I do the math wrong? What does google say about biannual?

Screen Shot 2018-02-07 at 10.12.07 PM

It’s the same fucking definition! I can accept biannual being one, and semiannual the other, but they can’t be the same. Bi and Semi are inverses of one another. Did I switch universes in between google searches and arrive in one with opposite laws of math and physics? Or the same physical laws, but a slightly altered evolution of the English language? This is the lamest Black Mirror plot of all time.

I say semiannual is correct, but English says I’m wrong. James right! English wrong! The earth is round, genders are real, The Last Jedi sucks, and semiannual is every other year. But the whole world wants me to think differently. Fuck you sheeple! Fuck you Cypher. I don’t want to go back to the heard, I want to be Neo. Rave orgies and all. 

So… ah…. In conclusion… this sorta stuff is partially the reason I don’t write more. 

-James

Meanest thing I’ve ever done

During one of my travels a few years ago I was feeling lonely on the road, and called a dear old friend, Brian Walsh, to have a nice chat and catch up. Brian wasted no time in informing me that he was entirely uninterested in any of my successes, insights, or news that could at all be construed as positive towards my life.

He added that while I was traveling I was only to call him in order to share stories of failure, injury, and overall misery. While Brian is of course a dick for having said this, it doesn’t change the fact that he stumbled upon a profound truth in story telling. Failure is always more entertaining than success.

So with that in mind, I’d like to share this story with you and in doing so state clearly – FUCK YOU BRIAN WALSH. Hahahaha! This time I win you punk!

My Girl photo 2

Check out the story below that I performed at a Moth StorySLAM in LA. Of the 10 performers telling true stories from their lives on the subject of “Jokers” your very own JBreezyBaby was voted the winner! This was in fact a bucket list item of mine, and I now advance and compete in a GrandSLAM event where 10 LA StorySLAM winners compete.

Brian, you are not invited to attend.

Below is the video of the audio (what?) which I may or may not have the legal rights to share. So if the 17 people who see this post just keep their mouths shut then I’ll probably be fine.

Wait… I think this blog post is a story about a story I told about a thing I did. The thing I did is super mean, and not a success, but in telling the story I won a competition which was successful. I think…

Not sure what I intended from this post anymore… somewhere something good happened to me I think.

SHUT UP. Just listen to the damn story if you want a laugh.

The Blog of James – chapter 28 – verse 1

BEHOLD – the illiterate Phoenix rises from his modestly adventurous ashes! What monumentous, life changing, death defying event could have awakened his blogging hibernation while simultaneously compelling him towards 3rd person prose? How about our Lord and savior Jesus Christ. Big enough reason for you heathens? Now that you are not at all squirming uncomfortably with the direction of this blog – let us bow our heads and begin.

Bla bla bla, a string of events occurred a little more bla took place and for the last 2 years I’ve been living in Los Angeles – the urban equivalent of a slutty 36 year old. Still attractive, you’ve got a chance at a wild time, but if you linger inside too long you’re going to catch something. That something, LA’s metaphoric herpes so to speak, is a completely vapid set of ideals, and a moron’s vocabulary. Also… literal herpes. People get around in this town.

But me, I’m immune of course. Only the gays are transformed by LA right? A straight white male with good old Virginia morals can’t contract this town’s sickness. How naïve I was.

2 months into my tour here I described a movie screener as ‘dope’ and a kale salad as ‘my jam’. The first 2 red bumps. You tell yourself it’s just a rug burn, or some irritation after that bike ride… but you’re still Usain Bolting to the clinic to get your junk examined. Praying to hear those blessed words “Mr. Calabrese, your dick is fine”.

I needed to do something about the metaphoric L.A. herpes I was showing early signs of (to be clear for those with James-esk reading comprehension – herpes is serving as a metaphor. I do not have herpes). More bla bla bla I decide that attending vespers at a Catholic church is the shot of penicillin I need to clear up the self absorbed infection I’m exposed to in L.A. By the way, ‘Vespers’ is Latin for “why the fuck are you going to church on a Tuesday night you dweeb?”

Turns out there are barrels of dweebs here. Sunday mornings alone are not enough to instill the soul crushing/saving guilt the young Catholics of Santa Monica apparently need to soldier on through their sun-kissed lives. I guess you lose sight of the righteous path when you’re perpetually long boarding past jaw dropping sunsets in designer beanies.

Asides:

  1.  What the freak is with the year round floppy beany? Did everyone but me suddenly decide they wanted to be as douchey and overheated as possible?
  2.  If something amazing is “jaw dropping” then something absolutely unbelievable should be called “pants dropping”. Imagine it – a sunset so spectacular that you immediately drop trou embracing an animalistic instinct to put the fewest possible barriers between it and your genitalia.
  3. If my blog posts became an album then my ‘asides’ would be the ‘b-sides’.

Anyways, it’s 7:30 on a Tuesday night and I’m sitting in a polite circle with 60 other twenty somethings. Quietly wondering if it was a lifetime of good decisions or a quick flurry of bad ones that brought me to this moment. Instead of actually challenging myself with this existential crisis I land on an eye roll and muttering ‘whatever’ as a suitable answer. Like a community theater student at my second improv class I’ve learned that I just have to go with whatever scene unfolds. I know full well that the scene is going to suck, but hell, the alternative to this ‘tear it down’ creative exercise would have been another night alone on the internet with my roommate’s obese asthmatic cat Rose by my side. 

B-sides:

  1. A Rose by any other name would be just as fat
  2. I sadly no longer live with Rose. I actually wrote this story 1.5 years ago, so a lot has changed. Actually, little has changed seeing that I wrote this 18 months ago so that means I’m still lazy as fuck, I’m still not doing anything on a Saturday night, and have my new neighbors obese husky at my feet right now to replace Rose.

Vespers get’s under way and I’m primed for some young adult discussion with steady streams of spirituality I can comfortably ignore when they get too dogmatic. But I forgot… this is a Catholic church. An institution not exactly famous for it’s open dialog, but one that leans more heavily towards a “shut the fuck up and memorize this shit – get them while their young – by ‘get’ we mean brainwash – by ‘get’ we mean sodomize – don’t talk unless you are telling us your secrets – push the stylistic boundaries of hats – are you guilty yet – love each other – hate gays – minimize women – god is love – god reserves the right to burn you forever – no it’s not magic – no it’s not science – sit – kneel – stand – sit – sit – sit longer – our new Pope is refreshingly not a dick – spare any change?” mentality.

So no – I obviously did not get the young adult discussion and potential friendships I was looking for. What I did get was trinity of hilariously Catholic experiences.

Firstly, the Vespers was 1.5 hours of getting talked at by a priest. That’s bold even by Catholic standards. We’re all young people volunteering to come to Church on Tuesday, and you have the balls to just jabber at us. How fucking un-creative too. Who’s the marketing genius that came up with this one? The dialog must have been something like this:

Concerned Parishioner : “Father, our Church is losing young people. It feels like we are lagging behind global social shifts, and our lazy assertions that God exists because there are forces we can’t explain has led to an ever diminishing view of His presence since that blasted ‘science’ is endless in its expansion of man’s knowledge of the universe”

Marketing Wiz Father : “Just have the kids do the same shit we do on Sunday, but on Tuesday… and in a circle”

Everyone : “Brilliant!”

Secondly, is this gem : the father is hitting his stride around minute 38. He’s explaining how he was a 14 year old kid who absolutely hated the church for numerous legitimate reasons. He’s really done well to humanize himself thus far, and in this moment I’m intrigued to hear about how he transitioned from this point in his life back towards faith. You know how he did? How he made the shift from literally punching holes through car windows when his mom made him go to church to being an ordained father? Here’s how – he saw the Pope from 15 yards away… once. I’m not making this shit up. At that moment he was, and I quote, “so overwhelmed with the presence of God” that he “broke down crying”. How spectacularly Catholic is that?!? The answer to all of our most profound and deep questions is the Pope. No more questions. Pope says everything is A-Okay!

There are 59 kids in a circle leaning in further than Sheryl Sandberg soaking this into their marrow. While 1 underground Episcopalian sits dressed to impress and desperately fighting back laughter.

Thirdly, everyone goes to a bar after Vespers. That pretty Catholic and pretty cool. +1 for Catholics there.

Amen.

excuse_me_jesus_youre_in_the_way._8073305287 2

A breezy baby holiday: blow jobs, bros, and quantum mechanics

Happy holidays dorks. I give you the gift of video!

Back on July 31st I published the post Can a bro get a bro? A brave piece of blogging teaching the youth of the world how to pick up dudes. Despite the universally appealing subject matter of bro seduction the the post suffered from a serious case of ‘written words’.

Please enjoy the reading free adaptation of that forgotten post:

This was told with SpeakeasyDC on November 12th. I’ll be telling a new story on January 14th. Information can be found here.

-James

I’m so sorry

Wow! I have been getting flooded with hate mail after my last post. Lots of upset readers out there. And you know what… you’re right.

I’d like to formally apologize for my last post. You are all 100% correct. I was way way out of line. Through trying to take my stories in a new creative direction, I crossed the line.

By not including one single Star Wars reference, not even one Star Wars youtube link, I betrayed your trust. For this I humbly and sincerely apologize. I pray I can earn your trust back in time.

How about this for starters…

Check out this video of my October 8th Speakeasy DC performance. The story, titled “Fuck Pokemon”, is non-stop, wall-to-wall, ballz-out Star Wars!

Side note and promotion: SpeakeasyDC stories are all true stories told live without notes. My “Fuck Pokemon” story was picked up for their short film contest where I performed the story again last Friday and was randomly paired with a film team who had about 5 days to turn it into a short film. Those films are being shown this Saturday! Check out all the details and get tickets here.

Here is the original version of the story from October:

Here is the description of the movie that was made from this story:

“POKE WARS
In an attempt to shoot a film about Pokemon vs. Star Wars, a team chronicles what happens when everything goes wrong.
Based on the true story “Suck It, Pokemon” by James Pasquale Calabrese
Film created by Heisenberg; Jose Carceres, Director”

Sounds like it is a film, about the film, about the story. Some real meta shit right there. Also did you notice how they changed my title from “Fuck Pokemon” to “Suck It, Pokemon”? You may or may not be surprised by how angry and upset I was when I saw the “Suck It” version printed in the hand out for Friday’s show.  Story diva!

STAR WARS FOR LIFE!

-Kit Fisto