Mathematical Proof that Words are Dumb

GOD DAMN IT! This is exactly why I only write one of these blog posts every other year. I just sat down to start writing, but of course I’m met with agita within 30 key strokes

This was going to be a classic J Breezy story too. The type of tale that my tens of readers have come to expect. It would features tinctures, feminist sustainable living pop ups, and a new jacket! It will also offer a undertones of misogynistic humor because if my intuition is right, 2018 is the time to make fun of women. It just seems like things between the sexes are super chill right now.

But no. Of course I can’t write it up. Instead the English language has given me another literary wet willy. Things went sideways with sentence numero uno. My opening line was to follow Breezy Baby standards by writing about how much I don’t write and rambling about what I’m thinking in the exact moment I’m sitting down to write. If you don’t know what I mean then reflect on exactly what I’m doing with this entire blog post right now.

Anywho, my first sentence was going to recognize the fact that it’s been almost 2 years since my last post and to sound big, I wrote that it was my “biannual” post. But wait, this immediately screamed of a Breezy Blog grammar gum up. Does biannual mean twice a year, or once every two years. Maybe “semiannual” is what I’m looking for. Not even half way through sentence one, and I’m googling grammar questions. You know what I learned? Nothing. Nothing other than that English is indeed dumb. 

Some say biannual is two times a year, others say the opposite that it’s every other year. Upon reading multiple dictionary entries and grammar forums I’m finding the general consensus to be that both biannual and semiannual mean twice a year. How does that make sense?!?

Grammar is for liars and whores, but math – math is of the gods. The universal language of truth. Just ask Jodie Foster. I’m not one to ignore Jodie, so let us turn to math. We want to know somethings frequency in terms of years (x times per year). So our units are [scaler] / [year]. Now the English language tells us that bi = 2 and semi = 0.5 so those are our scalers. Now we have: 

Biannual = Bi/Annual = 2/year = 2 times per year
Semiannual = Semi/Annual = 0.5/year = every other year

So I’ve solved it. The answer is semiannual. Mathematically it means every two years. BUT FUCKING GOOGLE SEMIANNUAL AND SEE WHAT YOU GET! HERE, HERE IS A SCREENSHOT OF WHAT YOU GET!

Screen Shot 2018-02-07 at 9.43.28 PM

Wait, did I do the math wrong? What does google say about biannual?

Screen Shot 2018-02-07 at 10.12.07 PM

It’s the same fucking definition! I can accept biannual being one, and semiannual the other, but they can’t be the same. Bi and Semi are inverses of one another. Did I switch universes in between google searches and arrive in one with opposite laws of math and physics? Or the same physical laws, but a slightly altered evolution of the English language? This is the lamest Black Mirror plot of all time.

I say semiannual is correct, but English says I’m wrong. James right! English wrong! The earth is round, genders are real, The Last Jedi sucks, and semiannual is every other year. But the whole world wants me to think differently. Fuck you sheeple! Fuck you Cypher. I don’t want to go back to the heard, I want to be Neo. Rave orgies and all. 

So… ah…. In conclusion… this sorta stuff is partially the reason I don’t write more. 


One thought on “Mathematical Proof that Words are Dumb

  1. James, I feel your pain, but throwing more salt into your wound, how about biennial vs. biannual. I believe our ears cause the confusion as we mean biennial but hear biannual…doh?
    Yes, my friend, the English language is very confusing indeed. I used the term quinquenial in a memo at work and I was accused of being a “smartass!” Life goes on and the world gets dumber. 🙁 Cheers! BOOMER!

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